Zane (zane_is_a_pain) wrote in meetin_stlouis,

Nov 13, 2pm

Characters: Jason, Merle, Lil, Raph, Zane, Cherry
Setting: Lil's office.
Summary: Zane has something to tell everyone.

He placed back and forth. Forth and back. He was restless, scared, and shaken, the need to run and hide made him feel like he should. He had called them, called friends and family to come to Lil's office. He didn't tell them why, no he had to tell them face to face. He was to much of a coward to tell Nath face to face so he wrote him a letter. Had he heard back yet? No, maybe the kitten was sicken that Zane was so weak. He leaned on the wall only to push off again. Back. Forth. Back. Forth. He took deep breath, he knew what would relax him but he so didn't want to be kneeling when Cherry walked in, he didn't want her to think he had gotten a new master. Yet, that was what his body wanted to go into.

'Thank you Narcissus...' he thought, kneeling was his safe place, yet now? No there was no place safe. They would come in here and see him sweating, see him smelling, no sinking of fear and know something was wrong. He needed a smoke, he needed a hit just to do this. No, it wouldn't happen again, wouldn't be done. “fuck fuck fuck..” he mumbled under his breath.

Cherry enter the office and paused as she saw Zane pacing the floor and concern was written all over her face. She sighed softly to get his attention before moving over to him. " Hello Zane," she whispers nuzzling him.

Jason padded into the office quietly, looking around, very concerned. He'd been fretting since he'd gotten Zane's message asking him to be here. The young leopard sounded so upset on the phone, very shaken, nothing like his usual cocky self.

His feelings changed immediately when he opened the door and saw Cherry nuzzling up to Zane. This meeting couldn't be to tell them they were back together, could it? He clenched his hands and dug his nails into his palms, stopping just short of morphing them into claws. Then he banged the door open loudly to announce himself (and hopefully startle the two apart) and fixed a grin on his face. "Hey, Zaners, what's up?"

Lillian walked through the door with a cup of tea in one hand and a smile on her face. There was no need to scold anyone yet although Zane might need a slap upside his head if he continued to work himself into a muttering, trembling mess. “There are plenty enough chairs for everyone so go ahead and take a seat you three.” She placed a comforting hand on Zane’s shoulder while kissing his forehead. Lillian knew that he could do this even if he needed a little nudge to get started.

Raphael came in behind Lillian and stayed back as everyone gathered around Zane. This was going to be an interesting day to say the least and he wanted everything to go right for his house cat.

Merle came in a short time later his eye brows raised as he saw the crowed that had gathered. Giving Raphael an Lillian a nods he goes and greets the cats. He then gives a nods to Jason as well and smiles. " Am guessing we are here then?"

He didn't really see her first, as much as smell her when she stepped in, his body tensed as she nuzzled him, she should have someone better, someone who loved her with all of their soul. He hugged her making his body seem relaxed, he was good at this, here was Zaney, “Hey Cherry-wine.” He whispered, trying to keep the edge of fear from his voice. They all should have someone better, someone who could love them and be real...

And here was Jason, the other person he had hurt far to much. He moved away from Cherry to great the wolf. He could sense the anger in the other's body. Jason didn't know how well Zane could read him. Didn't know that Zaney could see when he was hurting so much, maybe it was because he ingored his own pain and just saw their's. He moved over to hug the wolf, “Hey Jase.” He wanted to give them love, (because deep down he really loved them) wanted to tell them that he loved them all so very deeply, but the thing was, the very fact is.. Well, Zane didn't know if he could love. (Lair. Keep telling yourself that.) Didn't know if he had a heart.(Then why did it hurt so much?) Maybe the kitten had it locked away some where far away. Zane hug for Jason was different, it was stronger, not as soft with Cherry, not as careful.

He was so many different people with them all, all of what they wanted him to be. He gave Lil and weak smile as she kissed his forehead. He noticed Rap was there too, god he hoped that he wasn't taking him away from work. Work was far more important then him. He moved away from Jason going to an empty part of the room. If he couldn't kneel he cold still try to center himself, he places his hands behind his back and clasped them, no, that looked like he was about to kneel, he put his hands in front of himself. He rang his hands, twisting at his fingers. No, stop it. He tilted his head up making himself smile, even if it was a sad little smile. They were going to hate him. He was going to show a little bit of the real him, so they were going to hate him.

He didn't know when he closed his eyes, but they had closed, he opened his eyes to look at Merle, right now he was the pard leader, but he was here for many other reasons too. “I.. have something to tell all of you.” Alright, that wasn't to hard.. “But you all need to sit down first.. “ he paused. “Please.”

Cherry could feel the difference in his hug to her. She had loved him, and still did so could catch those small things about him that he tried so hard to hide. When asked to sit she does as her blue eyes focus on the other cat and whispers. " What is wrong Zane? Tell us please?"

Jason relaxed at the hug and returned it just as hard. Immediately, he felt awful for the way he'd been behaving when he'd entered. Honestly, he had so many mood swings these days you'd think he really had been pregnant. He kissed Zane on the cheek and squeezed him again before releasing him to go greet Merle, who he waved to. He was glad the older leopard was here.

Merle was one of the few people Jason genuinely liked, with no strings, no obligations, no dependencies. And Merle was stable, which was kind of rare in their circles. Maybe he'd be able to help Zane get centered. With this thought, Jason retreated to a seat as ordered, choosing one next to Lil and curling up, leaning slightly against the doctor. "Do you know what this is all about?" He whispered, sniffing at her tea.

Lillian settled down in a chair calmly after all she knew what all this was about. She encouraged Zane to do this after all. She wrapped her arm around Jason’s shoulder and handed her cup over for inspection. Whoever came up with curiosity killed the cat had it wrong, wolves were worse in her opinion. “Of course I do after all whose office are we in?” Lillian offered a small knowing smirk to Jason.

Raphael wanted to help Zane in anyway he could right now even if it meant tying Zane up to a chair. “Take your time kitty, none of us are going anywhere” He sat down on Lillian’s open side . He didn’t know what to do to help and it was making him uncomfortable.

Watching the cat in front of him, and the tension in the room Merle knew something was going on and he couldn't quite pin point it. Sitting down he looked up at Zane and said softly. " Come on little one and tell us what is wrong. You look like you are bout to bolt from the room. All here are your friends, and you know you can trust us."

'See? You are hurting them..' Could he do this? Tell them that he was one big fucked up lair? Tell them about how he would let people do things to him, hurt him, bleed him, how he would still take the drugs. How he would wait days before going back to all of them, so that he could hide it? How he worked so hard, so much so that he could stay away sometimes, so that he could put away money. Not for himself for them. He had a vision of one big house, one where everyone could stay. Some place close to Anita's, so that.. No, it was a dream that wouldn't happen, not when he would use the money for drugs. Yes, he had a lot of money saved, money he wouldn't touch, or told himself not touch.

Did anyone in this room understand how hard this was for him? Or how hard this all has been for him? Zane tired to be much more of a top then he was, he tired to be strong. Zaney was strong, Zaney was the one everyone loved. Yet, here was Zane standing before them all stripped of his colors, his hair cut so very very short, there were so many few masks that he had lift. Why was he trying to remove them all? Why was he doing this?

Rap's and Merle's voice hit him hard, “But you can't trust me.. I'm a lair.. I've lied to all of you..” He said his voice broken in so many places, or maybe that was just himself. “I have problems. Things I've hidden from all of you, things that I'm doing to myself.. I'm using again, using pain, using drinks, using drugs, using everything to keep myself a float. When I don't even know how to swim any more.. I'm tired, so very tired..” He fall into a kneel with out thinking about it now, everything was to much for him. He was submitting himself to them. Giving himself over to what they would think, “Its o'kay .. if you all hate me now. I'll understand, I'm not strong, I'm..” Nothing.

Cherry couldn't take the hurt she saw in Zane's eyes, or his voice. She quickly got out of her chair and grabbed him in her arms and held him while whispering. " Its ok Zane. None of us hate you. We want to help you. And we will." She held him while her own tears feel. She wasn't mad at him, just confused as to why he couldn't come to them for help. Hurt that he hadn't trusted them enough to help him. She just held him looking up at their leaders for help.

Jason sniffed at the tea, then made a "blech" face, pushing it back at Lils and snuggling in against her. He settled down and listened as Zane started to speak, growing more and more worried as he saw how much the leopard was struggling. When Cherry moved, Jason clamped down hard on his instinct to yell at her to stop touching him. The old jealousy reared up, but he forced it down. Somewhere, he still had enough self control to know what wasn't appropriate behavior. Instead, he moved over to Zane's other side and wrapped his arms around him, pressing kisses to his face and neck. "Silly puppy, we'd never ever hate you."

Lillian leaned against Raphael once Jason joined the group hug. “See Zane, everyone is going to help you through this.” She spared a glance for Merle hoping that he would be supportive of this path that his leopard had chosen.

Raphael squeezed at Lillian’s hand and held himself back from going to hug Zane. He was an outsider, all the rats were when it came down to the truth of things. Well that might change in the very near future but he’d let Zane break that news to the group too. No need to draw any attention to himself

Lillian leaned against Raphael once Jason joined the group hug. “See Zane, everyone is going to help you through this.” She spared a glance for Merle hoping that he would be supportive of this path that his leopard had chosen.

Raphael squeezed at Lillian’s hand and held himself back from going to hug Zane. He was an outsider, all the rats were when it came down to the truth of things. Well that might change in the very near future but he’d let Zane break that news to the group too. No need to draw any attention to himself

Merle had figured that something along those lines when he had first returned. But he had not idea how bad things were until now. Sighing softly to himself and wishing almost that Micah was here, he nods his head to Lillian before turning back to Zane. " Zane, you know the pard as well as those outside of it want nothing more for you then to be happy. We will support you in any path you chose to go, and will help you along it. Do not fear us hating you Zane, for that is not something we can do."

They were all around him, their warmth, “Mew.” he said answering Jason's puppy comment, he couldn't say anything, because it hurt to try to talk. But then they were all saying they didn't hate him. How could that be true? Wasn't he wrong and bad? He should be hated. For all the things he's done. He leans back from the cat and the wolf, his eyes going over everyone. “I'm so weak.. I tired to be strong.. I really had.. broke all the rules, I'm sorry.. “

"Kitten," Jason corrected himself, tightening his arms around Zane. "You tried, baby. You don't ever have to apologize for that." He snuggled in, sneaking his arms under Cherry's so that he was closer to the leopard.

Cherry felt Jason pull Zane from her arms and she couldn't hold her temper in. Ever since she had gotten back she has noticed the other treated her different. Pulling away she looked over Zane's head at Jason and hissed. " Why do you do that all time with me? Its not like I'm going to steal him from you Jason. We are friends and nothing more and thats all I want from him, and him me." The hurt and anger shone in her eyes that he thought she was going to steal him from Jason. " All I care about it protecting and seeing him safe and better as a friend."

Lillian clapped her hands once to get their attention. “Alright stop being children you two or I‘ll put you in a play pen. Everyone back to your seats.” She really didn’t want them fighting like.. Well cats and dogs in her office and then have to patch them up.

Raphael nudged Jason and Cherry aside so he could kneel behind Zane and grip the back of the younger man’s neck. He kept his gaze locked on Zane’s neck so he didn’t have to face the others and their thoughts. His house cat needed him to hold things together and that’s what he would do. He’d play top to everyone in this room if that’s what it took to keep Zane from having a breakdown. “Calm down little one.” Raphael growled out the command, this was not the time to play nice for him.

Merle was about to step in and end the fighting when Lillian did so for him. He couldn't help but chuckle at her comment. But his chuckle turned to a small soft growl as Raphael stepped in and seemed to take control of Zane in a way. His eyes narrowed a bit as his mind tried to process what all of it meant. He had nothing against the Rat King, but this was his cat he was messing with and he wanted to make sure all was fine. "What else is there you want to tell us Zane," he asks softly, but with a bit of a command.

Oh, god. Oh, god.. They were going to fight because of him. Oh, god. Oh, god. What had he done now? What was happening here? Cherry was angry. Angry because of what he wanted from her? Because of the way Jase reacted to him? He tensed, his body going still as stone or death. Death. Yes, he had hurt them.. Oh, god, oh, god.. What had he done? Did Jason think that it was because of Cherry that Zane held back so much? That it was because of someone else he didn't love him fully? That wasn't true. No, no! It wasn't true, he loved Jason. Yes, Zane could most likely never be with one person. Zane just didn't work that way. He never found someone who made him want just one person. Did that mean he loved anyone less? NO!

Oh, god. Oh, god. What was he going to do now? What was he was lost. He was bad for hurting Cherry, hurting Jason. He closed his eyes tightly, as he started to try to count back from one hundred to get his mind clear. OH, God, Oh, God.. he couldn't do it, no, not with the idea of either of them getting hurt or being hurt. His finger nails cut into his skin as clasped his hands tighter together. He heard the commands, felt the hand on the back of his neck. Oh, god.. Oh god.. If it wasn't for Raphael's hand Zane's head would be in his lap. Oh, fuck, oh, god he was so fucking weak. Couldn't he just look up and look at Merle, no, he couldn't look him in the eye. That was wrong. Bad. Gabriel would .. NO! That wasn't happening here.

Oh, God.. Oh.. God.. What was the question? Was there something else he wanted to tell them. He should really listen to Raph's order, it was an order so he had to do it. His voice came out an odd mixture of calm and submission, almost flat forgone of any tone what so ever. “Raphael has invited me to live with him.. so that I can go to school.. so that I can learn from him.. to work for him..” OH, god.. This wasn't a lie , no but he wasn't giving away everything, he couldn't. It wasn't his to give.. Such a bad cat.. bad bad.. cat. Bad Boy.. Oh, god! Oh.. God..

Jason started growling when Cherry spoke, but he stopped in deference to Lil. He began again as soon as Raph moved in, listening with shock to what Zane was saying. Moving in? With Raphael? As in... He backed up another pace, shocked, almost upsetting Lils' tea in his haste.

Cherry felt her cat hiss and bristle at Jason's growl, but quickly quited her as Lil all but ordered her to move. She moved quickly and took her seat again as she waited. Hearing that h e was going to move in with Raphael she felt saddened but at the same time relieved. Perhaps this was exactly what Zane need, a more dominate person then that of the pard. She whispered softly. " I think that is for the best Zane. I'm sure Raphael can give you just what you need to help you that us less dominate types can."

Raphael let out a nervous chuckle, “Surprise.” He ran a comforting hand down Zane’s back more for his own benefit than the cats. He playfully nudged Zane to hide his own fear. “You did good kitty.” He let his eyes travel from Cherry to Merle, it would only work if he had the support of the other leopard.

Lillian placed a hand on Jason’s arm and nudged him into a seat. “Its going to be ok. Just take deep breaths”

To say he was shocked would have been an understatement, but Merle had years to protect hiding his emotions. The only show of his shock as the tightening around his eyes as he looked from the Rat king to Zane. Moving forward he knelt in front of Zane and pushed his head up to have him look at him. " Zane, look at me. Is this what you want really? Deep down do you feel that this is exactly what you want and you feel it will help you? Do not fear what any one else in here will think, just look me in the eyes and tell me the truth."

Thats when Zane knew how wrong he had been, how he wanted something for himself. He was wrong. Jason had moved away from and Cherry had spoke her feelings. Yes, he shouldn't allow himself anything. Because, as he knew, very very well, he was not important in anything. He tilted his head upward, his eyes closed. His head slipped down ward when Raph let go of him, when his eyes opened he wasn't really there, no, for a second he was completely empty, nothing there.

For thats how he had to be, then the same old 'Zaney' slipped in, he placed his mask back firmly in place. He really should know better. When Merle touched him he almost flinched, Zaney disappeared again, the emptiness was there as he looked into Merle's eyes. “I don't want to hurt anyone.. “ Listen to the order Zane. “Yes..” he answered the older cat. He was trying hard to hide the pain, to keep that empty look in his eyes.

Merle looked deep into Zane's eyes and say the masks slipping in place, then vanishing. He saw the pain in there and knew that he and Micah and the pard in general had failed this cat before him. He let the sadness show in his own eyes for a moment before pushed it away and hide it. " Then go with mine blessing Zane. The pard will stand behind you in this. Just know take care of yourself, and let me and Micah worry about the others. That is an order Zane." He leans in and kisses the boy's forehead and nuzzle him before pulling back

Panic entered his mind but stayed out of his eyes. What did that mean? Was he out of the pard? He leaned back into Raph for a moment. Was this to show him how bad he was? He nodded once, and just went back to looking down. “Thank you.” He said softly. Such a stupid cat. He hides away into himself, turning his face from everyone so that no one can see.

Raphael wanted to say so much to Merle, to let the other leader know how much he had helped Zane. “Thank you Merle. I’ll make sure he gets to the pard on time for the full moon.” He nuzzled at Zane’s neck for a minute to reassure the cat. “You are free to have friends over Zane as long as you get your work done too.” Maybe this is what Zane had been lacking all along, someone to care for him and mold him, the job fit Raphael perfectly and might help the rat heal too.

Jason sat numbly as Lils tugged on his shirt, watching the exchange. Zane was moving in with someone else. It was the end, at least as far as he was concerned.

He realized how much his last outburst had hurt the leopard and forced on a smile. "Good, Zaney. It's about time you did something for yourself."

Lillian hugged Jason as he came about in his attitude, there was no room for negative people in Zane’s new life if they wanted to keep him on the straight and narrow. “Naturally all of you will need to see him on a regular basis, we are a safety net and more importantly a family for Zane.” That might help remind everyone to work together. Sure little snags would come up but when didn’t they?

He just nodded, didn't trust himself to speak. He knew that he hurt Jason. He knew that hurt Cherry too. How many other people did he hurt? How bad had he been?

Jason waved as Merle left, then turned to look at Lils. "I should go, too," he muttered, then trailed off, unable to think of any further excuse. He knelt down, hugging Zane tightly and hiding his face against the leopard's shoulder. "Good luck, kittycat." he whispered.

Cherry watched as the two left and knowing that perhaps Zane needed time alone right with Raphael she too stood up. " I need to go to," she said softly. She went over to Zane hugging him and kissing his cheek whispered. " Love you Zane, and will always be here for you if you need me." She gave Raphael a light kiss on the cheek as well and said. “Take care of him for us," before fleeing the room.

Raphael gave Zane a small hug and sighed. Now he was going to have to learn what Zane needed besides someone to top him. “I hope I live up to their hopes Zane.” He sat back on his heels, his head lowered as he fought back the tears at how easy this had all been and at the uncertain future after all kings don’t cry.

Zane had hugged both Jason and Cherry back, kissing both of them softly upon the cheek. He hated seeing Merle leave like that, but it hurt like a bitch when Cherry nearly ran out of the room. Again, he wasn't going to show it. His mind went back and forth, over the ideas of what he had done. Yes, he was great full, great full that Merle seemed to understand. Yet, his mind went back to the fact that he had caused pain to those who loved him. Back. And. Forth. Pain. Happiness. What was he suppose to feel? What was more important his own feelings? Or those of he loved. Oh, God, he just wished he knew what to do. First step, right? But how long was this damn path..
Tags: cherry, jason, lil, merle, raph, zane
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded